Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 Lessons Learned

Grabbing inspiration from my evening and my friend Matt's (used to be daily) Facebook posts I thought I would pay tribute to the year that was 2011 with a over-reaching, indulgent post about things that were learned in the past year. On a side note--99% of Matt's "Lessons Learned Today" were taught by myself, Anna Maria and Kim, all of whom have left the Bu, so I don't know how he has learned anything in the past 3 months. I even have proof--Matt's last "Lesson's Learned was posted on October 20th, 2011 and said this: "Things Learned: Crane work is dirty; my boss thinks that packing up her apartment so she can move away forever in 9 days is a good reason to skip work; I don't know what Zumba is; The 3/5 clause in the Constitution was actually referring to midgets."

I wasn't even IN the Bu and I still influenced the Zumba lesson. Sorry for all of the pregnancy-related lessons, dude. I wish I didn't even learn most of those.

So, without further ado, my Lessons Learned of 2011 in no particular order:

1. I hate NBC. They shelved "Community" for this upcoming Spring season.
2. I hate ABC. They shelved "Cougar Town" for the entire year.
3. All movie/television birth scenes are complete and udder bullshit.
4. Emme is the smartest baby alive.
5. Michael Buble is still my fav, and I don't care who makes fun of me for it.
6. Fountain Diet Dr Pepper in a big styrofoam cup can rescue an awful day.
7. Whomever invented the pacifier should have won a Nobel Prize.
8. Chick Fil-A are a bunch of right-wing homophobic nut jobs, but I still can't boycott that damn chicken sandwich.
9. Sleep-training could be used in place of water boarding at Gitmo.
10. Ugandans inexplicable love country music.
11. I miss America. I was there a bit too long and got teased into thinking I belonged there again. Target shareholders must be feeling a bit hit--I am sorry and I will get back as soon as possible.
12. I should have been a baby clothes manufacturer because the price/square foot of fabric is outstandingly obscene.
13. I have too much shit.
14. Seeing your baby light up when you walk in the room is the most amazing feeling in the world. Better than smelling the ocean! I still can't believe it.
15. Infants fly remarkably well, but cannot be explained the perils of jet lag. Hence me not remembering my first 3 weeks here.
16. 80 degree weather on December 24th sucks.
17. 80 degree weather on January 1st is awesome.
18. Nothing is more important than family.
19. Lamaze class still haunts me in my dreams. I never want to have a natural labor and be hosed down half naked like an elephant at the zoo. (shudder.)
20. Men should never pack out by themselves. Ever.
21. Bucharest with graduation goggles wasn't too bad in the end. We made amazing friends and had excellent internet--what else could you ask for?
22. Business class makes you feel sublimely superior. Suck it peons!
23. Americans can still unite. (May 1st 2011)
24. Speaking of--not necessarily a "lessons learned" but do you think UBL ever saw himself being parodied on SNL with Saddam and laughed? No, he was too busy masturbating with Western porn. Unrest in hell you piece of shit.
25. I can take a "Steel Magnolias" movie quiz and score 100% without cheating.
26. "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2" was the best movie of the year. That being said--I haven't seen a movie in like 3 months.
27. Ryan Gosling. No explanation necessary.
28. "Parks and Recreation" is the best show on television.
29. Pinterest is dangerous.
30. When rocking/singing Emme to sleep I apparently only really know 3 songs all the way through from total memory. 2/3 are from 1990's Disney. I still don't know why Ariel wanted to be "A Part of (Our) World."
31. It's our fault Ugandans are so crazy homophobic. Thanks Baptist Missionaries.
32. DPOs are so far superior to the Diplomatic Pouch that I can't even get started or I will get angry and go on a rant.
33. Giving birth is the hardest thing humankind has ever had to endure.
34. Babies love football.
35. The ability to take a shower with decent water pressure is directly related one's happiness.
36. If a Japanese tsunami hits then I am royally screwed.
37. Ugandans think furniture stain and shoe polish are one and the same.
38. Pregnancy brain is a real thing and should not be trifled with.
39. Kristen Wiig was my hero far before 2011, but at least everyone else feels the same way now.
40. We still don't know who killed Rosie Larsen.
41. I can only survive one episode of "American Horror Story."
42. Yes, America. Kim Kardashian is awful. I could have told you this in six years ago.
43. James Spader is just as sinfully delicious as he was in the 80's, but I still miss Steve Carrell.
44. All snakes in Uganda are poisonous. So I have to assume the snake that our guard killed the other day was either a Mamba or a Cobra. #scaredshitless
45. I obviously finally learned what a "hash tag" was.
46. I still don't know what Tumblr is all about.
47. Ron Swanson is one of the greatest television characters ever written.
48. I will never be Martha Stewart.
49. According to my bank statement I will probably save $10,000 next year by not having Jason's Deli, Target, Chick Fil-A and Marshall's at my disposal.
50. Earplugs are a Mzungus best friend.
51. Being a parent is the most amazing yet most difficult thing I have ever or will ever do. I hope everyone gets to experience it.
52. Blue Bell ice cream is still far superior. Peppermint is still my fav.
53. Jon is the best father I have ever seen.
54. I am sure there are waaayyy more but I have run out of time and patience and Emme is screaming. Here's to 2012 and may it be as eventful as 2o11....although not quite, I am not ready for another baby. :)


55. Beer Olympics and Baby Showers should not be mixed.
56. No one over the age of 25 should compete in said Beer Olympics.
57. Saying goodbye to friends who you honestly don't know when you will see again is tres dificil. Thank god for modern computer technology like annoying blogs. NATCH!

58. Udder and utter are two different words. Whoops.
59. While I will never be Tammy Taylor, Emme still has a chance. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. And I bawled.

Peace and Love.

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